Al Batt: Completing Another Year – Austin Daily Herald
Echoes of the Loafers’ Club meeting
I accomplished a lot yesterday.
What did you do?
I have aged a year.
Drive by Bruce Drive
I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Deep thoughts arise as I walk past his reader. Sun-ripened snow has welcomed spring, but only spring knows when it will reveal itself. I ate at a cafe I had never visited before because I am in the Fatuous Diner relocation program. The restaurant was in a town small enough that its motto was, “We have a water tower.” A few customers were drinking aggressive coffee. I love small towns, but the best place to eat in many of them has come down to the one business with a microwave.
A few days later I was in Fayette, a charming town in northwest Iowa with a population of 1,256 and the Volga winding its way through town. He has a middle school, Upper Iowa, but no high school. We were early for a basketball game, so I parked outside a thrift store. In we went. It was like being transported back in time by a time machine. I love thrift store books and there is an odd comfort to the plush attic smell that most stores have. This store was run by friendly ladies and had lots of items on display that would have been definite upgrades to what I own. The store offered many electrical devices capable of flashing “12:00”, clothing (including shirts with someone else’s name), macrame projects, trinkets, geegaws, trinkets, doodles, tchotchkes, bowling trophies and books. I couldn’t find a book that floated my boat despite my buying motto, “It’s 50 cents, take a chance.” My agitation was influenced by the imposing piles of books that had to be read at home. Speaking of 50 Cent, I saw one of his CDs available for just – no, that would have been too good. It was $1 and I passed it on without hesitation. My son bought some noteworthy CDs (for him) and my wife found a few trinkets. Our basketball team won. Life was good.
A man in a dark suit and flat-brimmed hat balanced his open suitcase on a portable tripod, revealing soapcakes wrapped in plain paper to anyone strolling the bustling streets of Denver. Soapy Smith took $1 to $100 bills out of his wallet and wrapped them around some bars of soap before enclosing the money-wrapped bars of soap with plain paper. He mixed these bars with others and offered the soap for $1 to $5 a bar. A few individuals quickly bought bars, ripped open the wrappers and displayed the $100 bills they had received. They loudly boasted of having beaten the soap maker at his own game. These individuals were accomplices of Smith. Lured by the success of the accomplices, people bought the wrapped bars, none of which contained anything other than soap rated at around a nickel. Smith ran scams until he was killed in a shootout in Skagway, Alaska.
“When is the best time to go to Disney World to avoid the crowds? 1961.
“Why aren’t you on Facebook? “I am in the control group.
“Where’s Walla Walla?” Between Ting Tang and Bing Bang.
The bad joke department
The man was carrying a loaf of bread on his head. He was on a bread hat diet.
He had a doctorate. in palindromes. He is Dr Clumsy.
Why did the accountant cross the road? Annoy people on the other side.
Is it because the best things in life are free that the worst are so expensive?
Shouldn’t the word “effective” have a single “f”?
Why don’t I hear the word “ubiquitous” more often?
What is a tawny owl? It could be any hooting owl. The distinctive cry of the barred owl is “Who cooks for you?” Who cooks for all of you? This is commonly referred to as a hoot owl.
It’s a sprinter. Mid-spring, mid-winter. Chickadees, nuthatches, jays and some woodpeckers hide food. The success of this dispersal hoarding depends on birds’ spatial memory to find cached food.
“How did a collared dove end up in my garden? The large sand-gray bird with a black collar was brought to the Bahamas in the 1970s. Pet store escapees from there found their way to Florida in 1982. Their goal was to get to your backyard. They were first seen in Minnesota in 1998 and were in Alaska in 2006.
“Unless someone like you cares tremendously, nothing is going to get better. It doesn’t.”—Dr. Seuss. Be nice.